I don’t know how to describe this post—it started out as a bit of a joke. But ultimately, it became my 10-year survival guide for finding food in NYC on a wide range of budgets while having a wide range of emotions. Whether you’re having a mental breakdown, or living it up on top, this blog entry has something for you!
When you’re making $18.5K (pre-taxes):
Invest in peanut butter, whole wheat bread, eggs, and hummus. All of these items are relatively cheap and will fill you up. Tip: It’s important to find foods with high amounts of protein when you’re an accidental vegetarian. I also have a really excellent recipe for a 5-minute microwaved potato.
When someone visiting New York wants to go to Peter Luger’s:
Remind them that Peter Luger Steak House is more of an experience, than a perfect piece of meat. Explain to the visitor that your friends have actually been able to cook better steaks with a good cast iron and butter. Then send them the over-the-top NY Times review of the establishment so you have something to laugh at on your journey to Williamsburg. But then, relent a bit on your hazing of this cash-only restaurant because the vibe is still old-school and fun.
When you can only afford snacks (and “wine?”) from CVS:
To make cheap eats more fun, head to a roof! Nothing elevates an experience like being surrounded by water towers and skyscrapers. If that’s not a possibility, consider brown-bagging it in the Hudson River Park. The green patches of grass and the rolling water will do your tired soul some good. But beware! Sometimes at night, the rats can get rowdy in the weeds. Post-sunset, I’d recommend sitting on a bench.
CVS wine isn’t so bad with some friends and sunshine.
When you’re on a date at Eleven Madison Park:
It’s worth noting that your dinner is going to be a three to four hour “experience,” so buckle up. You pre-pay for the meal and tip is included in that $330+ per person price. There’s no dress code, but most people arrive in business casual attire. The restaurant gives you the option of putting your phone in a box at the beginning of the meal so you can “be in the moment.” I obviously did not partake.
Ryan has a black eye from a recent surgery in this photo—but a happy belly! Photo circa 2019.
When you only have enough cash for one meal that day:
As a social person, I highly recommend heading over to Crocodile Lounge on 14th Street. You get a FREE personal pizza with every beer you purchase. I used to go there at happy hour and score two Yuenglings and two pizzas for less than $15. Prices have fluctuated over the last decade, but you’ve still got yourself a bargain.
A slice-of-life photo from September 2010
When you surprise yourself, and marry a foodie:
Bone marrow needs to be sucked out of the bone *immediately.* Letting it congeal will cause gagging. Aquavit is a delicious Scandinavian spirit that is produced like gin, but with caraway or dill instead of juniper berries. Don’t eat a whole can of caviar by yourself. Irish butter is best, so go ahead and splurge on that Kerrygold. The trick to a perfect French omelet is letting the eggs get to room temperature before cooking them. Never scrub a cast iron skillet.
When you’re walking through Hell’s Kitchen with $10:
Head over to Rudy’s Bar and Grill, one of my favorite dives near the Broadway district. For every beer you order, you’ll get a free Nathan’s hot dog (you must ask the gruff bartender for this snack; it will not magically appear). If you order a pitcher of beer, you can receive up to four free hot dogs. I prefer Rudy’s Red over the Rudy’s Pale. After 9 pm, play a song on the jukebox from the 90’s to get an eclectic dance party started.
Another gem from 2010. Note: two pitchers = 8 free hot dogs!
When you dine at fancy seafood places, like Le Bernardin:
Enjoy the experience. (Also do the wine pairing!) But don’t forget your roots, dear girl. You can rip a crab to pieces with nothing but a knife and your teeth. This gives you some sort of advantage over the other people in the restaurant. I’m not sure what exactly that advantage is, but perhaps it’s longevity on a deserted island.
When you have a business meeting at Per Se:
The food is extremely rich here; I would recommend not starting with a dirty martini, but instead sticking to a wine that will pair nicely with the heavy, French courses. There is also a 9-course vegetable tasting menu, in case your client in vegetarian. Both the Chef’s Tasting and the “Tasting of Vegetables” are $355, tip included. Note: This is the one tasting menu I almost didn’t make it through—I had to do some deep breathing exercises in the bathroom between courses six and seven. Again, do not fill up on olive juice and gin!
When someone steals your debit card, and you only have $2 in quarters:
On Google Maps, search “dollar slice” to find all the cheapest pizza places nearby. You’ve got this! But also please realize that I’m not offering you quality. My go-to? I’m still a sucker for a folded Two Bros white pizza as I’m walking to the subway on Saint Marks.
When your mom accidentally takes $100 out of your account—and that’s all that was there:
Always keep at least one can of emergency black beans in your cupboard. These can be eaten with a spoon or with your roommate’s stale tortilla chips. I’m also a fan of the emergency can of tuna fish, but that opinion can be polarizing. Remember to check the expiration dates on these items every four to six months.
This photo was taken today, in 2020, as I am still a big believer in emergency canned food.
When you have enough extra cash to enjoy cocktails:
Sure, you might be past PBRs, but if you’re like me, you still want the best bang for your buck. Avoid pre-mixed drinks, as they’re usually watered down. Mimosas have always been a waste of money in the New York brunch scene, so just keep that in mind. Martinis are my favorite—you have to mix an alcohol with another alcohol, making it very difficult for the bartender to short you in… alcohol. Served “up” means the drink will come out chilled in a long-stem glass with no ice. “Neat” means the liquor will be served at room temperature with no ice. “On the rocks” is a cocktail served with ice.
When you’ve been out drinking and don’t have any cash for snacks:
Should you find a wrapped cannoli on the sidewalk, you can eat it. BUT ONLY IF IT’S WRAPPED. We are not complete animals.
When you’ve had a long day, and don’t feel like spending money on food:
I highly recommend eating a small of amount of whatever you crave—which, for me, is typically a combination of salt and alcohol. Chef Britney likes eggs, olives, cheese bits, pretzels, and refried beans for dinner. This tasty meal is usually paired with a cheap-ish white or a glass of whiskey.
When you just don’t know where to eat:
Never forgot the New York staples: Katz’s Deli. Your favorite bodega. Shake Shack. The local halal truck (I like half chicken, half lamb, extra white sauce, solid dab of hot sauce). Reyes Tacos. Cheesecake at Junior’s. And of course, the hand-rolled, water-boiled bagel. Even if the only thing you eat that day is an authentic NYC bagel (been there), take comfort in the fact that you’re munching on literally the best bagel in the world—and you’re trying your damndest to make ends meet in a difficult place to live.
When you’re a little lonely and a little sad:
If it’s the dead of winter and you’re an introvert, splurge on a Seamless delivery even when there’s a $3 delivery fee. If you’re an extrovert, find a place where you’re comfortable eating or drinking alone. Get to know the people who work there; soon enough, you’ll be a “regular” and that will always make you smile, even when you’re feeling low.
If it’s summertime, walk the streets of our fascinating city and find a Mister Softee truck—I like the vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles. As my Grandma Barbara used to say, “Everybody’s happy eating ice cream. Have you ever seen a sad person eating ice cream?”
The start of summer in 2014.