I was trying to be "healthy."
So when my mom bought me a bunch of multivitamins during a recent trip home, I was ready: I was going have a nutritious diet! I was going to feel like an all star! I was going to ignore a Crunchwrap Supreme craving from Taco Bell!
First, I popped a B12 under my tongue. It didn't taste too bad, and dissolved quickly. This little pill was supposed to keep me focused and feeling less sluggish. Since meat is a huge source of B12, and I've become an accidental vegetarian 80% of the time after moving to New York (aka POOR), I was ready to get this regimen started.
Next came the "once-a-day women's multivitamin," otherwise known as the "terrible tasting yellow horse pill." Gag, gag, but down it went. I shook my head in disgust. How was I going to take that thing each morning? I had been in college before I was able to handle sugar-coated Advil. In fact, our family basset hound had enjoyed most of my sick-day pills when I was younger...
B12, taken like a champ.
But the multivitamin looked intimidating before 8AM. So I had a brilliant thought: Why not cut the pill in half, and take two smaller portions instead of one scary one? Chop, chop and the yellow pill split down the middle.
I swallowed the first half, and knew immediately that this I’m-going-to-be-healthy nonsense was most certainly going to backfire. After gagging down both pills with much water and controlled breathing, I went to the bathroom to fix my hair.
But instead I puked.
I’ll spare you the details, because this is already more than you bargained for in reading my blog. Let’s just say, I lost half my “once-a-day-women’s multivitamin.”
Note the important word in that last statement: half.
I lost half of my vitamin.
Flashback to the bathroom.
I'm pretty appalled, and a little confused. I was going to be late if I kept theorizing over what the hell just happened, so clean, clean, brush, brush, and it was time to head to work.
Despite the recent nastiness, I felt pretty good. I’d slept well the night before! I’d eaten some Greek yogurt! It was a lovely autumn morning, and the bright leaves were beginning to fall…
My stomach revolted.
“No, no, no…” I said to no one in particular.
I stopped walking, and pulled over.
"Nope. No, no!"
I would not puke in the street.
As an adult, I would not puke in the street.
But alas, my stomach twitched and I hunched over the sidewalk. I remember thinking, “This is really unbecoming,” and then there, near my neighbor’s azaleas and a pile of dog crap, I lost my battle with the unsinkable women’s multivitamin.
“Rough night?” some jerk said as he paused on his way to work.
I was unamused.
There will be no Day 3 of Healthy Britney.
Or, perhaps I will try taking Flintstones Chewables.
Like an adult.