He's Why I Slept on the Couch

I think there’s a cockroach in my printer.

After flipping on the light switch in my room, a horrifying scuttle arose from the darkness. The paper in my printer fluttered as something unknown disappeared into the machine’s mouth.

It’s hot. My face is sweating, and the apartment feels 25 degrees warmer than the outside temperature. But I’m frozen in my tracks, starring at the printer with a shoe in my right hand.

Haven’t I been in this position before?

Thinking back to my first experiences as a New Yorker, I definitely recall standing in my room, starring at inanimate objects hiding possible critters. I would simultaneously be praying that a bug would appear from behind the lamp so I could kill it… and that no bug would appear at all.

Because I really didn’t have the guts to kill it.

Let’s see. There were two cockroaches in my room that lost their lives. There was also the one that got away. I had two water bug scares (and if you’ve never seen a New York water bug, your missing one hellish creature). We’ve had several little guys in our kitchen, and I know my roommate has spotted at least one in her room.

So there have been a good amount of bugs.

But that makes the possible cockroach currently sitting in my printer no less scary.

I have this terrifying image of John Paul all tucked away from sight, hiding on my desk. Then I’ll turn off my lights, and John Paul will slowly pop his head out of my printer, watching me… always watching…

Then I’ll get ready for bed and lay on top of my comforter (because it’s too hot to sleep under it). He’ll skillfully scurry down my chair and onto the hardwood floor. Next, he will pause for a few moments and catch his breath. But I just KNOW what he’ll do next…

John Paul will then climb…or fly!... up to where I’m sleeping. And I’m quite sure he’ll want to snuggle. In fact he’ll probably climb right on top of me. Suddenly I’ll wake up with a fright, and scream, “something is not right!” only to notice a huge cockroach chilling on my bed. OR WORSE! What would I do if he attempted to climb in my ear!!!! I know that happens! If John Paul climbed in my ear – I would die. I’m pretty sure I would simply die.

Thus, tonight I will sleep in the scorching heat with my headphones on and my Bear Bear over my face. If I can’t see him, he can’t see me! That’s the rule, right? So John Paul, you might be in my printer but you won’t win. One day or another, I’ll get you. I have a decent track record – so watch out!

Or maybe there never was a John Paul. Maybe nothing is hiding in my printer. Maybe I will just tell myself this…

Or maybe I will turn the printer on.

Hehehe… Goodnight John Paul…

Do you see the antennae?!?!